2018 honest recap *sad post*

May 2018 was my last blog post, and then radio silence.

Why the silence?

Well to be blunt, I lost enthusiasm for sharing any aspect of my life. Things often look fun and happy, beautiful and free, and exciting. I wasn’t feeling that way, and didn’t feel this way for a number of months. Until now, February 2019.

Many things have happened in the last couple of weeks which has enabled me to feel better about my life, my life as a woman, a music therapist, a wife and also my life with my hubster. Let’s be honest here; this blog is basically my way of sharing our life with friends and family back in the UK and anyone else who happens to land on here. *Waves to the lovely people who are part of Project 365*

2018 was overall an awful year for me. Some people are aware of it, some aren’t. I’m now at a stage where I simply answer honestly. Maybe because I no longer feel any shame, or like a failure; maybe because I feel that we don’t talk about it enough. You might be asking yourselves “What don’t we talk about enough?”

Well there are many things! Mental Health; long term sickness; poverty; and miscarriages and infertility to name only a few.

I have friends who I am directly aware suffer from some of these, friends who I am so very proud of that they have shared with me or with a wider audience. I am amazed of their strengths, passion and ability to remain positive. So why did I struggle? Why did I try to stay happy? Shame and guilt.

In 2017 we decided to start a family. We started 2018 with just having our first miscarriage. This was an early one, I hadn’t been to the OBGYN nor did I. It was early stages. I had however, brought a surprise Christmas present for Hubster – a little baby grow and matching men’s t.shirt and a pregnancy journal. I had planned to see an OBGYN in the New Year when I reached 12 weeks. I remember clearly telling him, sobbing actually. I also waited to tell one of my best friends in the UK because I didn’t want her to have a sad Christmas.

We had further miscarriages throughout the rest of 2018, some were worse than others physically and some more emotionally. None reached 12 weeks though, so all were categorised as chemical pregnancies. None I’ve seen on an ultrasound. And thankfully all naturally sorted themselves out, I didn’t need medical intervention.

Our most recent one was towards the end of 2018, so yes we started the year on a sadness and also ended the year on one, and it really broke me. The Ob’s office wasn’t able to do an early scan and asked me to wait another week, I asked for the nurse to call me back because of my history, I needed to see something. I needed it confirmed by a Dr. and not the many many in home tests I had taken. She rang me back the next day, and I just cried on the phone because I was bleeding, again. She tried to remain positive for me, but we both knew. I had many blood tests, I saw every nurse at the LabCorp PacLab nearby and we watched my number go down from 900 to 0. Confirming yet again, I miscarried.

I was devastated. I took a leave of absence from my music therapist role, I didn’t want to go out, do exercise, socialise. I broke down in my directors office. I felt alone, angry and so very very sad. Apart from when we first moved here, this has been the most challenging time without my closest friends and family. Don’t get me wrong, I have wonderful best friends here now too, ones I cry with and laugh with and am 100% honest with, but it doesn’t replace the extra level of many many years of friendship I also have with woman back in the UK.

So what has changed since December? Why blog now? Why change the flow of posts and post raw emotions?

Simply – I want to talk about it, and I want to share my journey. I want to share my life again through photos with friends and family, I want people to see the amazing places in Seattle and the States, I want people to come and visit us and not feel like we’ve moved half way around the world and therefore have nothing in common with us anymore! I hope to find a sense of community through blogging of other people going through this, or similar. I want people to see and read more about miscarriages and infertility and know they aren’t alone, for people to know it is honestly okay to talk about it. People will be uncomfortable, but that’s because we don’t already talk about it.

I recently posted on Instagram and had some lovely inbox messages from friends – people I know in real life – who are either starting their fertility journal, IUI, and IVF treatments. I had no idea these women were going through it, and I felt a sense on comradery – people to share with, support and celebrate with.

2019 is going to be another hard year, no doubt with ups and downs, but it is also a year of opening up my heart and accepting what will be, will be. I am excited to be an Auntie again this year, twice, and that is the perfect reason to head back to the UK for a longer visit.

If you got to the end of this post, thank you. I’m restarting the Project 365 post again, I know that I will miss some days so maybe it’ll be Project 300+ instead 🙂 I’ll be sharing my journey, (one sided – it’s not my place to write on behalf of Hubster), and I’ll be writing about hiking and trips away, and visitors. Hello first visitor on the 25th March 2019!

Wishing everyone an honest and happy year

xoxo